i normally do not post in the first person. i normally write my thoughts, and my regrets and my hopes, in lyrical form, almost like a story. and tonight i try to explain the story in my head. but its too hard, and today was dark for us, though the sun was so bright outside. Stuart and i rode in silence, he held my hand, we watched the waves of the lake. its a bizarre feeling, the day after a death, when you see the rest of the world carrying on. and i watched people put out their trash, and rake their lawns, and walk their dogs. and no one was crying, no one was weeping, no one was mourning. i almost felt like stopping, and taking one of their arms, and saying "a life was lost yesterday, in the worst of ways, it was a man, he had a wife, and a daughter. and he loved them so much, and he wanted to love, but he was sad too, and sometimes the sadness wins, a life was lost yesterday, mourn with us" but instead we drove, and Stuart held my hand, and my heart to God. and we watched the waves of the lake. and we realized that life does go on, and hearts do heal, and time keeps moving. we realized that God is just as good as He was before this life was lost.