....healing comes to the broken places first....

2011-06-12T15:53:00.001-04:00

i wish i had a river, i could skate away on...

2010-12-23T18:20:00.001-05:00

2010-12-23T18:15:00.001-05:00

all i want for christmas, is to go home.

liar.

2010-12-19T21:26:00.001-05:00

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
You said you'd catch a grenade for me
Throw your hand on a blade for me
You said you'd jump in front of a train for me
You said you'd do anything for me
You said you'd go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through your brain,
Yes, said you would die for me baby...

2010-12-08T21:19:00.003-05:00

"i told 6 people i was drowning. none of them have said anything."

...everyone thinks that I have it all but it's so empty living behind these castle walls these castle walls if I should tumble if I should fall would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls there's no-one here at all, behind these castle walls...

News Feed what's on your mind

2010-11-25T21:45:00.001-05:00

...can hear you screaming
...is drowning
...is unable to breath
...wants to sleep

2010-11-25T21:42:00.000-05:00

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say

november 2009

2010-11-08T18:35:00.000-05:00

and the lightest snowflake lands on the middle of the windshield.

i know its over, yet i still sit there and hear the stories of how he is who he was.

the car is getting cold, i can almost see my breath.

i wonder what would happen if i just stopped breathing.

right here.

in this car.

i want to get out, i want to run.

i want to scream.

i can't.

i watch the snowflakes falling, i engulf them in my mind to get myself out of the desert i am in. when the snow is falling and everything is silent i think i can do it.

there is a moment in that silence that makes you feel stronger than you ever have.

the snowflake begins to disappear and with it the realization of the strength i thought i had.

the lightest snowflake lands on the middle of the windshield, and i know it's over, yet i still sit there, watching my breath.

2010-11-08T18:30:00.001-05:00

"...i'm feelin' like your letting go..."

2010-11-08T18:27:00.002-05:00

sometimes it feels like drowning.
and sometimes even though its been years since i heard your voice, i can still hear you screaming.
sometimes it feels like drowning.
and sometimes its all i want, and i feel like letting go.

2010-10-04T21:19:00.001-04:00

"Throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower
Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers
Married to the game but she broke her vows
That’s why my bars are full of broken bottles
And my night stands are full of open Bibles
I think about more than I forget
But I don’t go around fire expecting not to sweat "

2010-04-10T15:47:00.004-04:00

http://ifgodisgreat.blogspot.com/

2010-04-08T20:28:00.001-04:00

i let go of a journey today.
and i will start on a new one.
i let go of who i was today.
and i embrace who i am.
i thank you for being part of this trip with me.
i hope you come on my next one.

this is goodbye friends.....

2010-04-05T21:07:00.004-04:00

almost 4 years ago i told God i would never be able to tell my story.
apparently He disagreed.
so 2 years ago i told God, i would begin to tell my story in at least5 years...

today.
He said.
it's time now.

2010-04-04T19:38:00.003-04:00

2010-04-01T21:12:00.001-04:00

i have waited ---- hours for this weekend to come. and in my dreams at night i walk down your street, and stand in front of your house and scream it all back to you. and you were destroying me, so i did the only thing i knew to destroy you. i left. and at night in my dreams your words swirl through my head and i see how it was as clear as how it is. it has been ---- hours that i have waited for this to come. and at night in my dreams, its only been an hour. since i walked away.

2010-04-01T21:10:00.000-04:00

if i could shut my eyes for even just a minute today
i can make you disappear much easier in my mind
i can back myself out of this mess that was created and believe what i was told
i shut my eyes for the 5880 hours i wish i had said something else
‘i want to burn this filth’
if I could shut my eyes for even just a minute today
i can let myself go to where my feet touch the water
and the sun burns through my scars
i could shut my eyes and hear the laughter again
and feel the waves wash away my sins
i just want to shut me eyes for even a moment
just long enough to erase this apparition
and replace the past

I slowly roll over and bleed him out
he says its ok…you can shut your eyes now

2010-04-01T21:09:00.000-04:00

"time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
-New Moon

happy easter friends.

2010-04-01T07:08:00.000-04:00

2010-04-01T07:06:00.001-04:00

2010-04-01T07:05:00.000-04:00

...i just pulled a really great april fool's joke...

2010-03-30T07:26:00.002-04:00

...all this madness but i know, that the silence, has brought me to His voice...
and He said....

i've shown her photographs of time beginning
walked her through the parted sea
angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
who can love her like this?
i will carry you, while your heart beats here
long beyond the empty craddle, through the coming years
i will carry you

2010-03-30T07:23:00.003-04:00

you have no idea what my story is.

you think you do, you all talk about it in your little circles.

wonder if it could be true.

i can hear you whispering.

i can hear you wondering.

you have no idea.

you arent strong enough to grasp my story.

so keep whispering....

2010-03-30T07:22:00.001-04:00

the paint covers up the words i painted onto my soul, the smell is the same and if i listen carefully i can hear the sigh.
the window cracked open and the old ashes were lifted from their resting place.
maybe we all need to find a new resting place.
you being to wonder if it will always be the same, did time just freeze? how many times can your finger trace the edge of a coffee cup before they say the things you don't want to hear
the walls here are crying and its dripping into the wood
the static crept in over the phone and stole the voice away and its one more drink, one more breath, one more lie and one last time
that night in the car it was really quiet and the snow fell in big clumps as if hiding my mistakes, it seemed for awhile that we were moving backwards, into something we used to be, somewhere we used to be.....someone we used to be.....

2010-03-30T07:21:00.001-04:00

and there's only so much i can show her. and only so much i can tell her. and i promise one day everyone will understand, even her. even than it will be so clear, to love the leave. the freedom that radiates through my veins, is of no comparison to the pain that leaving caused. and the worth i see when i believe what i was told, is so much stronger than who i was. and the safety that closes my eyes each night with no worry, made it all worth it. please. love the leave, its all i can ask of you, all i can ask of her. and the panic, oh it's real, because it's made of the pain...but each day it will fade, and each morning will be brighter. i promise. so go. love the leave. i will still be here tomorrow.

i got ice in my veins

2010-03-26T07:57:00.003-04:00

2010-03-23T19:15:00.000-04:00

it's good here.
really good here.

2010-03-20T17:03:00.002-04:00

we are sorry you are jealous of us, we are your loss, you wont really realize what you have lost until it's too late...it's too late...

2010-03-15T19:51:00.001-04:00

i believe your my healer.
i believe your my healer.
i believe your my healer.

2010-03-15T19:47:00.002-04:00

march 15th has come and passed again.
with an empty glass and an aching heart.
but this year it went smoother.
and this year i only remembered a few times.
and this year the sun was brighter and the air was crisper.
this year it went smoother.

and i turned around to watch my shadow walk out your door.
and i can still sometimes breath you in.
and i can still sometimes hear that promise.
but watching my shadow leave was it.
that was it.
this is it.

2010-03-13T09:42:00.000-05:00

he sido 2 años sobrios hoy. debo ser feliz. quiero ser bebido.

2010-03-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

2010-03-08T21:32:00.001-05:00

"we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip we said, can't be held responsible, she was touching her face, i won't be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place...for the life of me, i cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise, for the life of me i cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins..we were merely freshman"

2010-02-24T19:34:00.001-05:00

On February 19th I invited my youth to share their "PostSecrets"...and my life may never be the same again....

2010-02-24T19:28:00.002-05:00

sometimes it's just lonely here.

and i think that if i fill myself with those in need, it will somehow take care of my own.

and that's not the case.

sometimes it's just lonely here.

i have a calling to be there.

and yet there is no one here.

so i try to fill myself with those that need me.

and forget how lonely this secret is.

2010-02-21T16:36:00.003-05:00

i never answered the question because it hurt too bad.

i never answered because i was scared.

i never answered because i have never felt that love.

i have never felt it.

i never answered and you made me feel guilty for that.

i am not like you.

i know you want me to be, but i am not.

i never answered because i was scared.

one should never feel guilty for being afraid.

i have never felt it.

i am not like you.

2010-02-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

2010-02-17T20:56:00.002-05:00

the enemy has been defeated.
death couldn't hold You down.
the enemy has been defeated.
and death couldn't hold You down.

2010-02-15T10:55:00.002-05:00

while i drove i pretended to not see what was to the right of me.
i pretended to not remember what happened there.
i pretended to be driving as fast as i could.
i couldnt breath.
i just tried to pretend it all didnt happen as i drove away as fast as i could.
than God spoke.
and I don't hear Him very often.
but than God spoke.
and it was clear.
and it was for me.
and He said.....

"Ok babygirl, enough is enough....it's time to go now"

2010-02-15T10:51:00.002-05:00

one day i will tell my story. one day i will tell you the truth. because i am sure you know i am lying when i speak now. one day you will know. and i won't hide anymore, and i won't lie anymore. and i will show it, and i will scream it. and i will be so strong, it will be an anthem radiating through my veins. and you will listen when i tell you what happened. and you will hear the sincerity in my voice, and never once question its validity. and it won't be a surprise, and i'm not asking for your reaction. i am doing this solely for myself. and my sanity. one day you will know. and all the questions will be answered, and all the tears will have fallen. and i will be so strong. i can tell...because already..i can't quite remember your face.......

2010-02-10T19:36:00.001-05:00

what
hurts
the
most.
was
being
so
close.
and
having
so
much
to
say.
and
watching
me
walk
away.

2010-02-10T19:18:00.002-05:00

i don't remember what you feel like anymore.

for years i wore you around like a chain.

and on saturday i realized i can't feel you anymore.

i am not sure where i lost you along the way.

but i used to be able to remember so clearly what you felt like.

and now i can't remember.

i could remember so clearly.

and now i can't remember.

it's like the snow that came in picked you up raw and cold from my chest and blew you away.

i started to run.

i chased you just like you wanted me to.

i chased you onto that ice, that snow was froze in chunks as it fell.

it hurt my face.

i chased you just like you wanted me to.

"we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip...."

i ran on that ice for miles for you.

and than i fell.

and i lost you somewhere along the way.

cause i can't remember what you feel like anymore.

2010-01-28T07:49:00.000-05:00

2010-01-24T14:56:00.002-05:00

our world is calm here.
we are in our own world.

we know you don't like it.

we gave you ample amounts of time, and multiple chances to be apart of our world.

you chose not too.

we are blessed beyond belief.

we are strong and calm and steady.

we are loved by many.

we love many.

we have skills and talents and stories and experiences that would blow your mind.

if only you were interested.

we are alive with potential and ability.

you just don't care anymore.

and we cried enough.

and than stopped crying and looked at the miracle of our story. and moved on.

we stopped waiting for you to ask.

we stopped waiting for you to care.

and instead dove head first into this life.

we aren't sad anymore.

we are blessed with new.

everyday.

"He makes all things work together for our good, He makes all things work together for our good"

2010-01-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

2010-01-24T14:51:00.000-05:00

....."we're leaving. where are we going?. California. We can't just up and go to California. Yes, we can. We can't just walk away from our lives. We don't have lives here we are just stuck and we will end up like everybody else, drunk, mean and miserable. She laughed, this is crazy. No, Staying's crazy, leaving's smart... i don't want to waste our life".....

2010-01-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

i am here.

in this new place. i am here.

and sometimes i look back. to where i was. and i can see your shadow, sitting on that bench, with the waves and the wind behind you.

but i am here.

in this new place.

and you are not.

2010-01-18T19:42:00.003-05:00

sometimes i think about you.

wonder if your out there somewhere thinkin' about me.

and would you even recognize?

that woman that this girl has grown up to be?

welcome to the new year. with ma girls.

2010-01-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

i gotta get movin'

2009-12-23T07:11:00.000-05:00

26 things to do while i am 26
1. Read Anna Karenina
2. Get a secret posted on the Post Secret website
3. Have something published on CNN.com
4. Get a raise - done
5. Get a suntan in winter
6. Bike 10k
7. Win a photo competition
8. Visit the Detroit Zoo
9. Learn to ballroom dance
10. Finish reading the Bible
11. Sew a dress
12. Learn basic sign language
13. Get a pedicure
14. Learn to play a full song on the drums, piano or guitar
15. Finish the Narnia series
16. See a play
17. Knit a pair of mittens
18. Learn to snowboard
19. Sleep out under the stars
20. Eat Sushi
21. Visit an old friend from college - done (Leah Woods!!)
22. Learn to use liquid eyeliner
23. Purchase a Stock
24. Take my newest niece down a slide
25. Tattoo myself
26. See Joanne

Huggins Family Christmas Letter 2009

2009-12-15T08:06:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone!
We are very happy to be sending you our annual Huggins Family Christmas Letter, and I am sure you are just as enthused to be getting it :) A lot has happened in our lives the last year and we are eager to be able to update those that we don’t see or speak with as often as we wish. We experienced a year with many highs and lows, but as always, came out of it stronger, happier, and more blessed and more in love than the last year.
So let’s get the low over with first :) As you all know we purchased our first home in November of last year, so our Christmas letter last year was full of excitement. We are still very happy and excited about our home, though we really miss having a landlord when something breaks or the lawn really needs a good trim. Just three months into our new life and new home adventure we were suddenly both out of work. No, neither of us was fired for pulling pranks on our co-workers or for skipping work to go to the beach:), due to the economic situation we were both laid off, with Barclee’s lay off from GM being permanent. So it was time to start the hunt for new jobs, or our new mortgage payments would get the best of us! Once again our God proved His faithfulness in times of need, and after enjoying a month off together, we were both back at new full-time jobs! When we were out of work we prayed each night for two specific things, we prayed that we would find new jobs that wouldn’t affect our schedule with the youth (so we would need Friday evenings off) and that we would have weekends off together! In May Stu was called to start work as a Millwright at Hike Metal, working on boats and coast guard ships on the shores of Lake Erie and in June Barclee began working for the Royal Bank of Canada doing a large variety of roles. We are both working day jobs, with weekends off! So our “low” of the year did not last very long! We both feel blessed to have our jobs; we have both advanced quickly in our companies and like to hope we are a good witness to those working with us. As Jim Elliot says, “I realized that the 39th street bus [or boat yard, or bank] is as much a mission field as Africa ever was”
In February and March of this year we travelled to the Middle East to visit Barclee’s brother and his family, which was one of the most amazing things we have ever done. We could never have prepared ourselves for how different and how beautiful the countries are over there. We even had the chance to back pack into the Israel and visit Jerusalem as well as the historical landmarks of the Bible. We ate weird cuisine (Stu not Barclee ate lamb brain ), floated in the Dead Sea, rode camels, stood in awe of Petra and actually got used to everyone carrying guns :) Returning from that trip sparked a desire for more travel in our lives and we are planning to have some adventures in Central America in early 2010. We did come home just before Levi’s wife Theresa gave birth to our beautiful new niece Elisabeth. Though her first few weeks in this world were spent in the hospital very ill, she will be a thriving, gorgeous 7 month old when we get to see her for the first time this Christmas. Stuart’s brother’s wife, Catriona, is also expecting her fourth boy in February at which point we will have 4 nieces and 4 nephews!!!!
Which brings up another bundle of joy that came into our lives this year, and no, it is not a baby. For Stuart’s birthday this year he was given a gorgeous purebred chocolate lab puppy. We named him Pismo, after Pismo Beach, California one of our most favorite places. A puppy is definitely hard work but we are in love with the dog, and spend lots of time playing, running and wrestling with him. He is almost 8 months old now and weighs in at around 70 pounds, so the wrestling is definitely interesting to watch :) Stuart has also become quite a talented tattoo artist and quite often I come home to find people covered in ink in my living room and the sound of a tattoo gun rattling away! He is definitely the more talented one artistically! We have also fallen more in love with being youth leaders. We work with the most amazing group of kids and remarkable leadership team. Though there are definitely some trying times, the laughter, the hugs :), firecrackers, candy, potato guns, parties, late night texts, early mornings and concerts make it all worth while.
We are so very happy; we are richly blessed in every area of our lives. Even through the dark times, our love for each other and for God has exceeded any trials that come. We pray blessings on all of you this upcoming year; that you will be happy and loved and safe. We miss you! We love you!

“And when the day is dawned and when the race is run, we will bow down before God’s only Son, and we will lift our hands in praise for all you’ve done, and we will worship you, our faithful one”

2009-11-27T07:09:00.002-05:00

i have waited for years to find this out
it would keep me up at night
it would make me sick, make me drunk, make me mad
all i wanted was to know this.
and now i know.
and it still doesnt help.
i want what is promised to me.
i want the things that are spoken over me.
i want the words that God said to come true.
this will be something new.
this will be something beautiful in the end.
"ok babygirl, enough is enough, it's time to go now"
it's time to go now
it's time to go now
it's time to go now .

" Barclee you are gifted to speak, but the gift is not the main point. The same healing that is coming to you, you will bring to others. The hurting, the lost, those trapped in pain will hear you and find freedom. There is much more for you. What you think is only for those God must really love, is only a shadow of what He has for you...."

2009-11-27T07:07:00.002-05:00

and the lightest snowflake lands on the middle of the windshield. i know its over, yet i still sit there and hear the stories of how he is who he was. the car is getting cold, i can almost see my breath. i wonder what would happen if i just stopped breathing. right here. in this car. i want to get out, i want to run. i want to scream. i can't. i watch the snowflakes falling, i engulf them in my mind to get myself out of the desert i am in. when the snow is falling and everything is silent i think i can do it. there is a moment in that silence that makes you feel stronger than you ever have. the snowflake begins to disappear and with it the realization of the strength i thought i had. the lightest snowflake lands on the middle of the windshield, and i know it's over, yet i still sit there, watching my breath.

2009-11-27T06:55:00.001-05:00

"what goes around, comes around, what goes up must come down, now who's cryin'?"

2009-11-24T06:58:00.003-05:00

this is my family.

we are invincible.

that has been proven over and over.

we are aware our worth seems to be less to you.

that means nothing to us, we are invincible.

you have your world, full of drama and obsession.

you have your world, full of anger and unhealthy relationships.

we have an empire. an invincible empire.

an empire that is actually better off without you.

this is my family.

we are invincible.
sleep tight.

2009-11-24T06:57:00.002-05:00

the conversation went a little like this:

he said " every minute i am not with you i miss you, at work i just miss you, when i am home and you aren't i just miss you. i almost dont want to go to sleep right now because i will miss you while i am sleeping.

she said "this is the happiest i have been"

2009-11-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

2009-11-11T20:21:00.002-05:00

i dont feel it the way you want me too. and i dont lift it up they way the rest of you do, i dont feel it, i dont feel it, all i do is remember it. my laminin must be crooked, she stands on that stage and screams that we are never the same, well i feel the same and i dont feel like a tree in a hurricane bending beneath the winds of mercy. i dont feel it. and i drink this cold glass slowly wishing it was stinging the way it used too. i am not there, i am tired of trying to get there. i would rather drown in this glass, than stand to something i can't do. i would rather drown in this glass tonight.

2009-11-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

2009-10-25T16:54:00.001-04:00

you should know, that piece of paper i am putting in the Wailing Wall in Israel, had your name on it. your gone now. i left you. there.

it is finished.

a conversation.

2009-10-25T16:25:00.002-04:00

we stood in the hallway. i just finished trying to show my heart through words to a group of girls that need to learn what true beauty looks like. i can always tell when he says something to say, so he looked at me and this is what he said.....

he said" God wants you to know something...."

" Barclee you are gifted to speak, but the gift is not the main point. The same healing that is coming to you, you will bring to others. The hurting, the lost, those trapped in pain will hear you and find freedom. There is much more for you. What you think is only for those God must really love, is only a shadow of what He has for you...."

2009-10-25T16:21:00.003-04:00

sometimes i turn a corner and there you are.

and i stop and breath.

and shut my eyes.

and remember where i am now.

and i stand firm as i allow the warm wind to blow through me.

it is gone now.

it is finished.

calm.

2009-10-07T07:18:00.002-04:00

i said "there is a calmness about our lives now"

he said" huh?"

i said "there is a calmness, a steadiness that wasn't there before"

he said "yes"

i said " before there was drama, and anger and hurt and betrayal and too much booze and smoke, now there is a calm, a steadiness in our lives with our own house and a dog and a life and our own family, and dreams and many adventures to come"

he said "i like it better now"

i said "me too"

2009-10-03T11:20:00.001-04:00

2009-10-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

Take me as I am, cause I'm goin,
I was too scared to start,
and now I'm too scared to let go
Take me as I am, cause I'm Growin,
but its so hard to tell when I'm not used to this so

2009-09-28T07:29:00.002-04:00

You and I in a little toy shop
Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message, something's out there
Floating in the summer sky
Ninety-nine red balloons go by

Ninety-nine dreams I have had
And every one a red balloon
It's all over, and I'm standing pretty
In the dust that was a city
I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
Here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go

2009-09-26T11:19:00.002-04:00

i sometimes think i would give anything to go back.....

2009-09-20T16:30:00.001-04:00

"ok babygirl, enough is enough, it's time to go now....."

2009-09-17T20:56:00.002-04:00

it still hurts.

it just isnt stabbing.

the hurt is like bad bones on a rainy winter day.

its an aching.

the rain comes, the pain comes.

the cold comes, the pain comes.

it aches inside.

thoughts and aches and thoughts.

but it isnt stabbing anymore.

and that is good.

here it is folks....

2009-09-16T16:17:00.002-04:00

26 things to do while i am 26

1. Read Anna Karenina
2. Get a secret posted on the Post Secret website
3. Have something published on CNN.com
4. Get a raise
5. Get a suntan in winter
6. Bike 10k
7. Win a photo competition
8. Visit the Detroit Zoo
9. Learn to ballroom dance
10. Finish reading the Bible
11. Sew a dress
12. Learn basic sign language
13. Get a pedicure
14. Learn to play a full song on the drums, piano or guitar
15. Finish the Narnia series
16. See a play
17. Knit a pair of mittens
18. Learn to snowboard
19. Sleep out under the stars
20. Eat Sushi
21. Visit an old friend from college
22. Learn to use liquid eyeliner
23. Purchase a Stock
24. Take my newest niece down a slide
25. Tattoo myself
26. See Joanne

2009-09-12T11:06:00.000-04:00

the final list update

2009-09-12T11:03:00.002-04:00

"greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done"

25 things to do while I am 25 (update)

1. Finish reading the entire Bible - incomplete (as a Christian, this is embarassing, but it was really really long)
2. Visit third/second world country - done
3. Pay off credit card - done
4.Eat Sushi - incomplete (and my husband even makes it!!)
5. Travel on train - done
6. Write a book - done
7.Learn to walk in high-heels - done (no one said i had to do it well, but i had many wonderful teachers)
8. Do a 5/10k+ run - done
9. Get a dog - done
10. Do not cut my hair - incomplete, i guess not everyone gets to have brenna knutson hair...
11. Learn to change a tire - done
12.Take a course at local college - done
(I applied and was accepted, the day before my course started
they cancelled it, so if I cannot get in again, I might have to count that)
13.Volunteer - done
14.Float in the dead sea - done
15. Have something published - done
16.Learn calligraphy - incomplete (i couldnt find a calligraphy set anywhere!!)
17. Get a tattoo - done
18.Learn to speak basic Spanish - done (i can at least orders tacos in spanish -thanks joanne)
19.Plant a tree -done
20.Bet on a horse race -done (thanks joanne)
21. Read a “Harry Potter” book - done
22.Give a tattoo -done
23. Kayak around the island -done
24. Buy a house - done
25. Speak - done

t-miuns 6 days...red one's remaining

2009-09-03T07:10:00.001-04:00

25 things to do while I am 25 (update)

1. Finish reading the entire Bible
2. Visit third/second world country - done
3. Pay off credit card - done
4.Eat Sushi
5. Travel on train - done
6. Write a book - done
7.Learn to walk in high-heels
8. Do a 5/10k+ run
9. Get a dog - done
10. Do not cut my hair - done
11. Learn to change a tire - done
12.Take a course at local college - done
(I applied and was accepted, the day before my course started
they cancelled it, so if I cannot get in again, I might have to count that)
13.Volunteer - done
14.Float in the dead sea - done
15. Have something published - done
16.Learn calligraphy
17. Get a tattoo - done
18.Learn to speak basic Spanish
19.Plant a tree -done
20.Bet on a horse race -done (thanks joanne)
21. Read a “Harry Potter” book - done
22.Give a tattoo -done
23. Kayak around the island -done
24. Buy a house - done
25. Speak - done

2009-08-30T17:46:00.001-04:00

2009-08-18T20:49:00.000-04:00

2009-08-18T20:46:00.001-04:00

I Have To Believe That He Sees My Darkness
i Have To Believe That He Knows My Pain
i Have To Lift Up My Hands To Worship
i Have To Declare That He Is My Refuge
i Have To Deny That I Am Alone
i Have To Lift Up My Eyes To The Mountains
i Have To Stand Tall When The Wind Blows Me Over
i Have To Stand Strong When I'm Weak And Afraid
i Have To Grab Hold, Hold Of The Garments
i Have To Sing Praise When The Hour Is Midnight
he Unlocks The Chains That Bind Up My Soul
my Sin And My Shame, He Has Forgiven, And Made Me Whole

2009-08-12T07:41:00.003-04:00

on friday i have been married for five years

we have survived heartache most couples will never face

we have forgiven and loved through the darkest storms of hurts and addictions

we have lost friends and family to death......and to other things...

we have entered into the lives of the most precious people

we have travelled and explored

we have rested and renewed

we have survived.

we have made the most amazing friends we could ever ask for

we have had our lives changed by tragedy, but changed only for the better

we have changed our mindset and motives about life

we have given

we have received

we have become closer best friends

we have become better husbands and wives

we have survived.

happy anniversary.

i gotta get going on this list...."kayak around the island"

2009-08-04T20:01:00.000-04:00

another one to cross off the list

2009-07-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

2009-07-25T10:51:00.000-04:00

love of my life.

2009-07-25T10:46:00.002-04:00

Savior I come, quiet my soul

remember redemption's hill

where your blood was spilled

for my ransom

everything i wanted

i count it all as loss

lead me to the cross

where your love poured out

Jerusalem, Israel 2009.

July 25th 2009 - 4 months to go

2009-07-25T10:41:00.001-04:00

2009-07-20T07:22:00.000-04:00

List update, less than two months to go....

2009-07-18T11:01:00.002-04:00

25 things to do while I am 25 (update)

1. Finish reading the entire Bible

2. Visit third/second world country - done

3. Pay off credit card

4.Eat Sushi

5. Travel on train - done

6. Write a book - done

7.Learn to walk in high-heels

8. Do a 5/10k+ run

9. Get a dog - done

10. Do not cut my hair - done

11. Learn to change a tire - done

12.Take a course at local college - done
(I applied and was accepted, the day before my course started
they cancelled it, so if I cannot get in again, I might have to count that)

13.Volunteer - done

14.Float in the dead sea - done

15. Have something published - done

16.Learn calligraphy

17. Get a tattoo - done

18.Learn to speak basic Spanish

19.Plant a tree

20.Bet on a horse race

21. Read a “Harry Potter” book - done

22.Give a tattoo

23. Kayak around the island

24. Buy a house - done

25. Speak - done

2009-07-16T20:26:00.000-04:00

2009-07-16T20:18:00.002-04:00

there is a darkness in the corner.
one harder to forget than to remember.
there is a darkness in the corner.
that freedom tries to win over.

2009-07-13T18:52:00.002-04:00

this was over before, before it ever began.
your kiss, your clothes, your crutch like the devil has your hands
this was over before, before it ever began
your lies, like the devil's in your hands.

2009-07-13T17:26:00.002-04:00

i can feel your breath on my neck

i can see your eyes through that glass

i can hear your promise in my ear

always waiting.

i can feel your hands on my back

i can see that rope 'round your neck

i can hear you whispering it still

always waiting.

i can feel that bottle in my hand

i can taste the blood in my mouth

i can see that scar turning pink.

always waiting.

i can feel you screaming.

i can hear me screaming.

i can see us screaming.

stop waiting.

2009-07-11T06:16:00.001-04:00

2009-07-11T06:14:00.000-04:00

"it'as always winter but never Christmas"

-Mr. Tumnus

what did you do thursday night? i spent it with these guys...

2009-07-11T06:12:00.000-04:00

2009-07-02T20:42:00.003-04:00

i told Jesus i just wanted someone to stick up for me

that's all... i just wanted to be defended and stuck up for

"are you kidding me?"

He said replied,

"what do you think the cross was? you want someone to stand up for you? i stood up for you in front of the entire earth, i stood up for you in front of the king of darkness, i stood up for you in front of the demons screaming your name, i stood up for you in front of My Father, i stood up for you in the midst of all your nasty sins, i stood up for you in front of the entire universe and said

'No, you are worth it, you are forgiven'

i stood up for you.....you have already been defended"

2009-06-30T18:24:00.001-04:00

i wanna love like Johnny and June, rings of fire burning with you, i wanna walk the line, walk the line until the end of time...I want to love, love you that much, cash it all in, give it all up and when your gone...i wanna go too...like Johnny and June

2009-06-25T06:47:00.003-04:00

If I could just touch the hem of His garment

I know I'd be made whole

If I could just press my way through this madness

His love would heal my soul

If only one touch

2009-06-21T14:45:00.001-04:00

greater things are yet to come

greater things are still to be done.

"i chose to be sad later" - Eliot's mom

2009-06-18T15:35:00.001-04:00

dear every person reading this:

2009-06-18T08:46:00.000-04:00

"if you REALLY let it go, i will heal you"

-God

2009-06-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

i wanna spend the rest of my life loving these girls....

2009-06-14T20:29:00.002-04:00

i have been wasting my life
wasting it away on lost emotions, fueled anger and distraught regrets
i have been wasting my life
but now i have caught it
in the grips of my tiny sparkle covered hands
so can i release it again? into a new world?
can i release a new life in me, full of the freedom in which i should walk?
can i......

2009-06-11T15:04:00.000-04:00